Learning is hard, and so is waiting!

I have learned so far in the adoption process several things.  One is that there is alot of waiting, alot of frustration and alot of laughter.  Its not the good kind of laughter, really; its the laughter that comes when you can do nothing else BUT laugh.  We are only 4 months into a 12-15 month process and yet there have been more delays and problems than I would have imagined.  One of the reasons we chose to go through the China program was because the process was more refined and structured and dependable than some of the other countries, from what we had heard.  And compared with what I have heard from some others, it is.  But from the beginning it has been: need more information, file goes to another agency, CCCWA is changing database, now they are closed for a festival, social worker is out of town, supervisor is out of the office, more information is needed, and on and on and on.  Now let me say that it has also been time after time of seeing the Lord work in ways to comfort, encourage and provide as well.  My grandmother used to say, getting old isnt for sissies.  Well I say, adoption isnt for sissies!  It will test your faith in ways you cannot imagine.  But if you seek the Lord and rely on Him, you will see so many parallels to your faith and to life in the process.  Right now we are waiting on what they call "PA".  It means pre-approval.  It basically means that we have sent some preliminary information to China asking them to proceed with the adoption of a certain child.  In the meantime, we are also finishing up the homestudy process which we started 4 months ago.  For those of you who have been following this story, you know what we went through in the beginning, losing our sons file to another agency.  Well, I guess, for us, this is a really big deal because when we get the PA, we will feel like this adoption is real.  It normally takes 2 weeks to get PA.  2 weeks for us was yesterday.  I remember when I first became pregnant with Sterling, I was told to wait before telling people because it was so early.  Lots of things can happen and it was just safer to wait.  That was hard.  We wanted so badly to tell people our good news, to share our joy.  That is kind of how this feels.  We want so badly to share with our friends and family, this little boy's face that has captured our heart.  Its almost like there is a fear of miscarriage that lingers over me during this wait.  Is it real?  Will he really be our son?  Will something happen to make us lose him again?  So we continue to wait, and to trust God and know that His timing is perfect.  We continue to trust that until we have our son in our arms, that he is being held by the Lord.  The waiting and frustration we are feeling is refining us and testing us.  I am so glad that we are not trying to do this in our own power and strength.  We would have caved, lost it already!  It is only through Christ that we are able to do anything.  He gives us our strength.  I know He is watching us go through this, watching us struggle, knowing it is good for us.  He wants us to rejoice in the trials.  I think about how I have been pacing the floor lately in the middle of the night, hoping my youngest will learn how to fall back asleep on her own.  I do comfort her some, but I know she isnt hurt, she is just learning, and so I let her learn.  She cries, but I am right outside the door, knowing she is safe and she is learning, learning to relax on her own, learning that although I am not there right now, that I will be there when she really needs me.  I know that when it seems like God is not there, He really is.  He is listening on the other side of the door.  Making sure I am ok, but letting me learn.