Will You Remind Me?

Today marks day number 6 in the hospital.  Fishers heart surgery was last Tuesday.  The surgery went well.  They were able to do the Fontan procedure which routed more blood to Fishers lungs.  Since his heart is only single ventricle, this will also help his heart not to have to work so hard.  Pre surgery his oxygen stats were in the mid 80s, which isn't bad, but now they're in the mid 90s.  Recovery has been good.  We have had our share of challenges with throwing up, reactions to meds, refusal of meds, and complications from chest drain tubes.  I'm not really sure if there is such thing as a "typical" open heart surgery.  I mean, is it normal for the chest of a 3 year old child to be cracked open and for his heart to be reworked...for the second time? So when I look at what he has been through I think he is doing really well. 

But sometimes I want to sit down and have a pity party.  I'm tired of looking out the windows at nothing but buildings.  I need to see some grass!  They had said we might go home on Monday (tomorrow).  But it looks like that won't happen now, because his chest drainage is still too much to remove the last tube.  He gags and vomits every time we give him liquid medicine by mouth, so they are putting him back on IV medication again today.  These are steps backward, not forward.  We are getting further away from going home, not closer.  So for me, (and for him even more so) it's hard and it's disappointing.  And then when I think about adopting again and going through this again with another child, it's makes me doubt.  It seems we are being drawn to "heart babies" every time we look at the waiting children.  It's so hard.  I don't know if I can do this again.  

But then I walk down the hall and see little tiny babies who are in worse condition than Fisher.  Babies who have had 2 and 3 surgeries already, have been here for months, and will be here for months more.  How do those parents do it?  I see little boys about Cutters age who have lost their hair and are so weak and must wear masks all the time because of their frail conditions.  How heartbreaking!  I guess when most of you look at what Fisher is going through you can't imagine how we handle it.  You might even think we are crazy for choosing to take this on.  But for me, when I'm thinking clearly, I realize it could be much worse...and I know it's not in my own strength that it's even possible.  Its not about me anyway.  It's not about my comfort.  It's not about my happiness.  It's about The Lord.  It's all about His kingdom and the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It's about me being conformed to His image.  My inner self is being "renewed day by day".

If you think about little Fisher being born with a severely damaged heart, abandoned at 9 days old, lying limp in an orphanage for the first 18 months of his life, it's hard not to ask questions.  Why?  Why would God allow that.  Now, I will in no way, shape or form, say that I can answer that question.  I will only tell you what goes through my mind when I ask these questions, which I do.  You see, if Fisher had been born "normal" without a defect, he would probably have not been abandoned.  He most likely would still be in China, and maybe he would be being raised as a Buddhist or an atheist or who knows.  The chances he would have for hearing the gospel of Jesus Christ in China are small, getting better, but still very small.  

But because of his heart defect, Fisher, at 3 years old, knows that Jesus was born to save him from his sins.  He knows that we celebrate Jesus' birth at Christmas.  He knows to pray and ask God for help when someone is sick or upset.  He knows Who to thank before his meals. He knows everyone needs Jesus.  He loves God and he prays to Him for help, and one day, maybe even one day soon, he will trust Jesus as his Saviour.  And one day, maybe, he will tell others about The King of kings, The Lord of lords, Jesus Christ.  Maybe even people in his home country.  That makes it all worth it.  All the pain, all the trouble, all the medicine, all the vomit, all the blood, all the medical bills, all the backbreaking work, all the adoption paperwork, all the frustration, all the training, all the teaching, all the loving dangerously....it's all worth it.  

But will you please remind me of that in a day or so when I'm depressed again because we are still in the hospital?  Will you remind me of that when we get home and he won't take his medicine and I want to cry?  Will you remind me when we start getting medical bills in the mail?  Will you remind me of that when we get our first invoice from the adoption agency?  Will you remind me of that when I wonder if we can really go through this again?  Because I know I will forget.  And I will need reminding.  

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 

2 Corinthians 3:17-18 "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."