I think I'm losing it...

If you happened to read the post about weakness and need, you have a good idea what this post is about...or do you?  Last week we had quite a windfall of evil come our way in the form of car breakdowns, fungus and tax audits.  This week began to look up...and then news of a neighbors death and a dear cousin who lost her father.  We must be reminded.  We must be reminded as Christians, this is not our home.  Sometimes, that reminder comes in the form of bad things that happen to us, reminding us not to cling to earthly treasures, but treasure in heaven.  Sometimes it's a reminder of how short life is, through the death of someone we know.  So while last week was bad, it served as a good reminder.  

So without a vehicle, for the second week, we crowded into daddy's car today, yet another time to go look at a van.  

Yes, I said van.  We might be jumping the gun a bit, but in 8 weeks, when Ryder comes, our Yukon would have been full, and by this time next year, when Journey Mei comes home, Lord willing, we would need a bigger vehicle.  So we went ahead and decided to take this opportunity to make the jump, since the Yukon decided to keel over.  We began to shop for a van a few weeks ago.  They aren't very easy to find, in our price range.  Now, if you want to spend $30000 you can find one.  But that isn't even close to our range.  

We began to notice that most of the vans we saw were white.  There are a few large homeschool families we know that have white vans.  Honestly I never thought about it before, but I began to wonder if that was the only color they came in! I hope this doesn't offend anyone,  but I just didn't want white.  I'm not sure why.  Yes I know why.  But my Yukon was white, so why didnt I want a white van?  I just wanted to be different.  I wanted to stand out, be cool, not blend in.  And I didn't want to be "labeled" large family homeschooler, even though I am, and really am glad.  Homeschooling, and letting the Lord lead in determining our family size, is one of THE best decisions we have ever made for our family.  But the comments, and the looks and the judgement is hard to swallow sometimes. And getting a white van, would be just another reason for people to say things about our lifestyle and our choices.  Would it be so bad to find a gold van?  How about silver?  Black?  

It's pride.  Nothing but pride in my heart. Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall."  I decided that if the Lord blessed us with a van, and it was white, there was a reason, and I would be thankful and not let my pride and vanity ruled over me.

After weeks and weeks of looking, it came time to bite the bullet.  When the rental car bills really started to pile up, and we still couldnt seem to get a straight answer about our Yukon which is 300 miles away and without a transmission, we had to make a decision.

Yep.  This is our new van.  Yep.  I'm one of those white van moms.  Yep.  I look like every other large family homeschool mom.  Yep.  Pride is trying to rear its ugly old head. 

I'm losing it.  I'm losing that last semblance of vanity I had left.  I'm losing that hold on to my old life, the one where I was a hip, cool, fashionable mom who could still juggle 4 kids and be in the latest style.  I'm losing that part of me that wants to fit in...or not fit in.  I'm losing myself.  Well I already lost it.

I lost myself, when I found Christ.  From our Bible study yesterday: Mark 8:34-37 "And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? For what can a man give in return for his soul?"

I'm losing all the dreams I had for my life, a life of glamour, fashion, popularity, travel, parties and success.  But I'm gaining more than I could have ever imagined possible.  And it's all because of Jesus Christ and this new creature that He has created in me.  Im losing so much of what I thought was important.  I'm losing so many things I clung so dearly to.  I'm trading them for a life of training and teaching our children and leading them to Jesus.

Well, I really am thankful for my white van, very thankful, especially when I look in the rear view mirror at all those sweet faces in the back.  But even more so than my white van, I'm thankful for my white sins. Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool."   Because of Jesus Christ, his life, death, burial and resurrection, my sins are white as snow.  And because of this, being reminded to let go of earthly treasures and being reminded of just how short this life really is doesn't bother me so much, and "losing it" feels good.

Really good...and much more roomy!