Loss and Confusion

The last time I posted was back in July.  We had just found out we were expecting blessing number 5.  Lots of different reactions to the news brought a flood of emotions and the last blog entry.  Well fast forward a few weeks.  On a Sunday morning I started bleeding, not heavy, but spotting.  I called the doctors office and they told me to come in the next morning.  We were scheduled to go out of town that Tuesday, so first thing Monday morning, I went in to the doctor.  I had a weird feeling.  I had had it from when I first found out I was pregnant.  The Lord has given men and women different abilities and strengths.  I think women have a way of reading their bodies.  So when he gave me the news I was not shocked.  Sad, but not shocked.  Confused, but not shocked.  Miscarriage.  They don't really use that word.  There are lots of other medical terms and lots of ways to describe it, but to me, that's the best word.  The baby had stopped growing.  It had died.  I was almost 8 weeks along.  I was fine until I got to the car and then it hit me.  I was grieving over the loss of someone I loved, but never even met.  How could this happen?  How could it hurt so badly?  I called Greg and we cried together.  The rest of the day was a blur.  Really the next few months were.  I had friends and family that truly showed me the love of Christ during that time.  They surrounded us with love and compassion, and for that we are truly grateful.  

Sterling took it really hard.  She wanted another baby brother or sister so badly.  She didn't understand why The Lord would allow it to happen.  Then, He gave her a dream where I was pregnant, and had a problem so we had to choose between the baby living and me living.  She told me about the dream and it prompted some amazing discussion and The Lord used it to start the healing process in all of us.  

So...we had 3 choices.  1. Have a d&c procedure which would scrape my uterus and remove the remaining "tissue", 2. Take a drug that would induce the tissue to pass, 3. Wait and let things happen naturally.  After hearing our options, we chose to let the miscarriage happen naturally.  The doctor said that typically things would happen within the next week or so.  He said he once had a patient that waited 4 weeks before her miscarriage completed.  So when 4 weeks came and went, again I wasn't shocked.  The doctor still said it was ok to keep waiting, and that is what we wanted to do. We figured 50 years ago I wouldn't even have known I was pregnant that early on.  We want to honor The Lord in all we do and felt like trusting Him with the outcome was the best option.  

Then I went in for another check up and ultrasound to see how things were progressing.  The doctor saw something he didn't like.  The tissue was getting larger, not smaller as it had been.  He recommended a D&C.  Ugh.  Not what we were wanting to hear.  But we trust The Lord.  We know the He has good planned for us and we trusted the He had led us to these doctors for a reason.  They value life.  We love that they are proud followers of Jesus Christ!  

So I scheduled the procedure and left the office.  A week later, I had the D&C and had no complications.  Now, a month later, I am practically back to normal.  We are still trying to work this all out in our heads.  We know God has a plan for us.  We believe what Gods word says about children.  We believe what His word says about EVERYTHING.  So why did this happen?  We don't know why, but we do know God and His character.  And we believe that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.  We trust Him and eagerly await what He has planned right around the corner....

Isaiah 26:3-4 “The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, For in God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock."