With less than 4 days to go before we leave, we are processing many emotions. This trip is so different in so many ways from when we went to get Fisher, as we have shared before. One of the biggest differences is that not all of us are going this time. I really want to just keep all of this to myself and not broadcast it, I want to just pretend to be strong and hold it all together, but a friend reminded me today that it is in my weakness, when I lean into Christ, He is glorified. We are leaning on Him and Him alone. So I've decided to share our struggle. I feel like it helps others when we are transparent, when we let others see that we have struggles. I know it helps me. When I see someone that I think has it all together "be real", it encourages me that I'm not the only one. I mean, when we reached out to ask for support when we were $25000 short with 2 weeks to go, I was pretty transparent with our situation and our emotions then, right? So why not now? Why not be honest and open with all of you, the ones who have loved us, supported us and prayed for us through it all?
Leaving our boys is proving to be much harder than we ever could have expected. Ever. But, so many of our sweet adoptive friends have been down this road, and survived. So I feel sure that all of these feelings are natural and normal. It's almost a mini-depression that has hit, right smack dab in the middle of immense joy and excitement. How can I be so excited one minute and ready to crawl into bed and hibernate the next? Every time I think about leaving my boys it just hurts. Today, I really have had a hard time just holding it together and not breaking down into tears. But oh, the Lord has been so faithful to love on us and continue to encourage us. He has made it clear, over and over again that we are doing what He has asked us to do. And at church today, He reminded us to keep our eyes on Christ. He is our all in all.
There are so many things I could worry about right now. I mean, look around! What is happening in this world is scary, evil, unstable, just CRAZY! Leaving our boys, traveling during worldwide unrest, taking in a new baby, it all makes my head spin! But when I turn my focus back to Christ, that is when I have peace. When I lift up my fears and doubts to Him in prayer, that is when He settles my soul. I could crawl in bed and cry my eyes out (ok maybe I did), but will that help? Will my worry change one single thing? Here is the section of scripture that the kids and I have been memorizing for months:
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:24-34
That isn't by chance my friends. It's just what we needed then, it's just what we need right now. God knows what we need, all the time. We NEED to seek first His kingdom, His righteousness, His will. He will take care of our physical needs...above and beyond what we could think or ask! Another section of scripture I've been studying that has been so, so helpful during this time is Phillipians 4. And the Lord is so sweet to send me that scripture, from friends who had no idea I was studying it. Many parts of that chapter have encouraged me lately in so many ways. But for now, I will keep repeating verses 4-7 over and over again...as we take our boys to stay with friends...as we make the fifteenth trip to Walmart this week for stuff we have forgotten...as we get up at 3 am to head to the airport...as we board a 14 hour flight...as we navigate through airports where no one speaks English...as we prepare to meet our little Journey and bring her into our crazy crew...as she leaves everything she has ever known...
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Will you pray for us? Let us make our requests be made known to God together! And I will do my best to let my "reasonableness" be known to everyone...but I can't promise anything ;). So thankful for ALL of you.
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